Monday night was undoubtedly the most powerful, awe-inspiring, and deeply connective New Year’s Eve experience I have felt so far.
Activities included thai food dinner, a fire ceremony in the woods, and a not-so-typical house party that included tap dancing and drumming (!!!). I was blessed with the company of some very close friends here in Seattle as well as a dear friend who drove down from Vancouver BC.
The fire ceremony was a highlight for me. It went as such: we gathered in the woods, 6 friends around a small fire. We each wrote down things we wanted to release or move through, tore those into strips, and proceeded to offer them up to the enveloping flames. Those of us who wanted to share our intentions aloud as the papers slid through our fingers did so. This step, for me, was a difficult one, but something I wanted to do. Each time I stood calming acknowledging my fears, allowing for vulnerability, before I felt ready to share the things I desired to move through. The power of being heard by others in these moments, and of hearing others, was incredibly inspiring and grounding. It reminded me that we are all Enough, and to not wait until we feel like have become more fully rooted in our selves before we feel worthy of connection. We can do this work together.
Which brings me to something I feel compelled to share here as well. One of my strips of paper. It read as such:
I release any association or identification with the notion that I am a defective human being.
When you come into this world labeled with “birth defect” from day one, when you endure experimental corrective surgeries and ongoing doctor visits that have you feeling like some strange medical anomaly, and when there’s nothing you can do about it, how can you not feel defective and not be affected by this label?
But guess what?
The beauty exists in the choices that follow the recognition, “there’s nothing you can do about it.” You can crumble into hiding while thinking, “Poor me,” or you can say, “Okay. This is what I have to work with. How can I let my Love and my Joy flow through this body I have been given? How can I explore its strength, sensations, vibrancy, and potential for growth and healing?”.
Let me tell you, at times it has been positively maddening to See so much, to know my worth and my Love, while simultaneously working to dissolve a lens through which I do not feel worthy of receiving Love from others, a lens through which I feel unlovable; a lens formed as a survival strategy to keep the “me” safe which identifies with my physical form as being defective while saturated in a shallow, endless sea of indoctrinated individuals living their labels and stories so strongly that even their compassion is scripted, insincere, and conditional. (That’s the lens talking, by the way. The authentic “me” doesn’t think you’re all a bunch of heartless sheep. Don’t worry.)
What to do?
Acknowledge. Allow. Flow through.
This is most certainly Love work.
To share this has me feeling on the verge of embarrassment and shame.
But, this needs to be brought to light.
The illusion of our separateness.
I am ready to surrender to unity.
In partnerships and in community.
To surrender is not to lose the self.
It allows for full expression.
Please be patient with me.
I am strong, and sensitive.
I desire greater consistency in the felt experience of family.
I sometimes ride anxious waves atop my endless sea of serenity.
I sometimes confuse apathy and non-confrontation as ways to move through, but neither appropriately acknowledge or embrace.
I need Love but demand it not.
My shell of resiliency is breaking away.
I am excited.
Please be patient with me.
I am still working to not believe, nor be limited by, my story.
Please be patient with each other.
I am Grateful for the awareness.
I am Grateful for the wondrous, magical people in my life who help show me the way, be it through guidance, example, reflection.
Lastly, I will share something from the second half of our ceremony in which we ignited the words of things we want to renew, cultivate, and harness for the coming year. One of my strips here:
Partnerships that cultivate and expand the love felt by All.
Thank you for reading this.
I appreciate it.
I wish you love and blessings for your best year yet!
2013, let’s do this.
Friends, YOU are worthy.